Zhanga: June 2007

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Thursday, June 28, 2007 (12 comments)

Responses to yesterday...

  1. Regular employees play ultimate regularly, and I think ex-employees play with them. They are really good. The interns, however, are pretty terrible. No, they're awful. About 20-25 showed up last time, and only maybe five were ok-good, and maybe one or two were good enough to be on (or to have been on) an actual organized team, though it's hard to tell when everybody else is that bad.
  2. I can't throw any more, for some reason. My passing success rate was like 20%.
  3. Since I couldn't throw, I decided I'd try defense. In the first couple of minutes that game, I dove and barely reached the disc to knock it away. This looked cool and you can tell I'm proud of myself for doing something I've always wanted to do but never have... but unfortunately it was not actually useful. The intended catcher was a girl, which means it was just going to get dropped anyways. (...I kid, I kid! (Ok, I'm only 70% kidding.))
  4. I've spent enough on taxis already. I forgot if I've complained about this already, but I spent $60 to get from the airport to my apartment. This is much more than the total amount I spent on taxis in six weeks in China, and there I took a taxi once every day or two. Maybe I shouldn't compare China and here, but a $30 ride to get $50 of groceries... well, as a stereotypical cheap Asian I can't do that... and besides, how can I be more true to myself than by riding a semifunctional bicycle?

Ok, what to complain about now. Well, let's start with my email. I got here Tuesday, so today is the 8th working day. I have 2900 emails in just one folder of my Microsoft email box. I probably have 3500 emails total. And none of those are breast/penis enlargment ads, Viagra/Cialis, BUY THIS STOCK NOW!!!, or other random spam.

Ok, on to more boring topics.

Is it just me, or is it kind of funny that most of the machines (that I see, anyways) are Dell machines, and they have Windows XP stickers on them? So Dell pays Microsoft to buy Windows licenses, then they sell Windows back to Microsoft...

In somewhat related news, I tried configuring various Dell laptops because I want to buy a new one. Well, it turns out that a similarly-configured laptop without Windows (with FreeDOS or Linux) costs quite a bit less than ones with Windows. (For the D520/D520N, configured the way I want it, the difference was over $400.) I couldn't figure out how to get the employee discount on the open-source laptop, so I called Dell. Unfortunately, they told me that I cannot use my Microsoft employee discount to purchase a Linux laptop. Sad, I know.

In completely unrelated news, I finally added the free gifts application on Facebook. I really don't like the open Facebook platform, because it's Myspacifying Facebook with all this random garbage. And let's face it, most of these apps are garbage. I've even seen music players on Facebook profiles. Fortunately, auto-play music is not possible, but just the concept of music on webpages irritates me like lemon juice in my eyes.

Anyways, back to the free gifts. I added it because I've been wondering what gifts I've gotten, and curiosity finally won. After seeing my gifts, I've concluded that either I'm really boring and only possess two personality aspects, or my friends are really lame. I have six free gifts: the first three are Tux the Linux penguin, and the last three are watermelon slices.

5:37PM

Wednesday, June 27, 2007 (5 comments)

So it looks like some dumb employee or intern here leaked an internal email about working at Google and Microsoft. I thought it was an interesting read.

I've been biking every day to work, and as I've been complaining so much about, it's so tiring to go uphill. Well, yesterday I had a little complication to this.

Every night for dinner, I eat rice plus one or two crappy dishes that I cook, plus sometimes a really, really awful fried egg or two. Well, six days after I bought my rice cooker, it broke. It actually broke in the middle of cooking Sunday night, but I ended up with a mostly-edible bowl of rice so I didn't realize it was broken until the next night. That night, in order to eat rice, I had to try boiling it in a pot. It was pretty much a failure, resulting in really terrible mush (that pretty much describes anything I make, so I ate it). I brought the rice cooker to work yesterday, then after work I biked to Bed Bath & Beyond to get an exchange. They were nice and let me get a new one even though I didn't have the packaging for my broken one.

Then I had to bike all the way to my apartment, drop off my pot (I meant rice cooker, not that), change, then bike all the way uphill back to MS to play a game of frisbee. I was late, too, so I was kind of in a rush to get to the fields. By the time I got off my bike, my legs were pretty tired, and then I ran around on the field from 7:15 to 9:30. Then I biked home. End result, today I ache everywhere from my stomach down and walking is a pain. Good thing I have a desk job... I'm exercising my finger and eyelid muscles now for a true whole-body workout.

I dislike how work, the shopping center, and my apartment are on a warped/tilted triangle, and by that I mean hills everywhere. It's so annoying to bike from place to place, especially when I have to go to the grocery store every other day because my bookbag can only hold so many things in it, and let's not even get started with eggs on a bike and the bumpy ride home.

Oh yeah, and the left half of my bike's front brake is constantly applied. Gotta get that fixed today.

3:20PM

Saturday, June 23, 2007 (1 comment)

I still don't really know what our team's product (Dynamics AX) does, but I do have a book on it now. I also have a book about programming in C#, which is a language I've never used before. The books are around 800 pages each... fun.

Windows Vista is unbearably slow.

Yesterday, I went to Nintendo America's HQ to take pictures for Roger because he thought it'd be the coolest building in the world. In fact, it was the most boring building in this part of town, with lots of tinted windows and truck docking areas. I think the most interesting picture I took was of my own bike and camera in a convex mirror, which doesn't say much for the building itself. Visitors aren't even allowed inside without an appointment.

What else happened... well, not much that I can remember. I bike everywhere, which is a pretty good workout since this place is hills and more hills. Going to work is a mile of 15 degree uphill followed by half a mile of lesser uphill. I think I might have to start showering at work once the summer heat comes.

Before orientation, during orientation, and even after orientation, presenters and recruiters and such kept talking about how we are allowed to spend up to $450 of our own money at the company store to buy MS products. They all seemed really excited about it, which is what I don't get. Why would I want to buy Vista for $50, even if this is a significant discount? I can't do anything with it except use it myself or give it to my mom, because I'm not allowed to trade it, or sell it for more than I paid. So why would I subject my mom or myself to such torture?

7:33PM

Wednesday, June 20, 2007 (0 comments)

Yes! Party at BillG's house next week! Unfortunately, no cameras are allowed. I was going to put my shiny new camera to use, too =(

Man, this is going to rock.

Random note: total solar eclipse visible from Wuhan on July 22, 2009. Who wants to watch it with me?

5:19PM

Tuesday, June 19, 2007 (1 comment)

So I'm at Microsoft, and I'd like to point out two things, besides the video clips of Steve Ballmer jumping around and going crazy (I'll find them on Youtube later... MS probably has a Youtube competitor so I don't want to be caught there on company time).

Anyways, first, during orientation, there was this little gem:

Microsoft's greatest asset is its intellectual property -- which is you and the data you use and create here at Microsoft every day.

Yes that's right, Microsoft owns my brain. Which means from here on out, I can only say good things about Microsoft =(

Ok, so second, I'm at a computer running Windows Vista. Never used it before, can't say I ever wanted to use it/planned on using it in my life. Well, I'm on a dual Xeon 2.2 GHZ machine with 1 GB RAM ( = fast!) but it feels about as fast as my 1.5 GHz single-core/512 MB laptop ( = slow). So Vista seems to be slowing this down. But, at least it's easy to use. I sit down and log in, and Outlook goes "configuring your email account" or something and a minute later it has my email account figured out and working.

I try to install software, it tells me there are compatibility issues, and gives me some links to press to fix those issues. It's like an auto-Googler, which Linux badly needs so that I don't have to copy/paste a bunch of cryptic error messages then type in a bunch of commands. I can just mindlessly push Next over and over. It's great. Well, I should note that I've only tried to do about three things on this computer so far. Haven't tried anything really weird yet...

Does someone want to tell me why I'm downloading software from download.microsoft.com from a Microsoft machine on Microsoft HQ's internal network... at 142 KB/s? I can get much higher speeds from home on my crappy DSL line. You figure Microsoft's internal LAN would be faster than that! (Edit: Yes! There is a better way!)

By the way, photography of building interiors is not allowed. The only other things you can't photograph are Bill and Steve's offices and parking spaces.

7:42PM

Monday, June 18, 2007 (1 comment)

I apologize for the possible slight factual inaccuracy in one subordinate clause of the last post. You can call it whatever you want ("literary license" or "fiction" or "filthy lie undeserving of the honor of being included in a Zhanga post")... but sacrifices have to be made in the name of humor!

Sigh, when I read over that it reminded me of the "sacrifices have to be made in the name of security" BS. Ok that's off-topic and I don't feel like depressing myself today, so I'll save the Bush-rant for later.

To Gene -- I always wish I get a room with hot girls too (why only two hot girls when the room has three other beds though?), and of course that never happens. You're lucky to get businessmen. I usually get men somewhere between high-class hobo and average blue-collar worker (inclusive). So I always watch my stuff carefully and/or sleep on top of it.

The closest I've ever come to getting a room with a hot girl was this time, when it was me and the noob woman I described in the last post. She was ~30, unattractive, married, and coughed all night, waking me up several times. I'm finally finishing off the tonsilitis I got on that trip.

I love the "dirty 80 year olds that pick up plastic bottles and ask me for my bottle"! I think they are one of the defining points of China. Actually, I usually really do like them, because then you don't have to look for a trash can, and it's especially nice when the city doesn't provide recycling bins so you can't recycle your bottles unless you give it to one of them. The annoying thing is when you run into the overagressive ones who try to take your bottles/plastic bags before you're actually done with them. One greedy bottle-collector tried to steal 5% of my orange juice a couple of years back.

Wuhan and Shanghai are so different nowadays. In Shanghai now, people usually wait for the crossing signal at intersections before crossing the street (inconceivable!). There are tons of foreigners, so white people are nothing new and English speakers aren't rare. The place in general just seems a lot more Westernized. Oh yeah, and one thing I hate: the starting fare for taxis is 11 RMB.

In Wuhan, the taxi starting fare is only 3 RMB and has been that way for years, reflecting the income disparity. Nobody waits for crossing signals (or crosses at intersections), everyone spits everywhere, etc etc. It's much more like the China I've always known (and loved). And it still seems like English is new -- I was on the phone in the bus trying to speak as fast as possible to cram as much talking into as little roaming time as possible (~1.25 RMB/min!), when the woman next to me started talking to her friend. Well, tried to talk to her friend, because her friend told her to shut up all excitedly so she could hear real American English.

Those two women, ugh. I was sitting in the aisle seat in a row of two seats, and the window seat was empty. One lady sat down, and the other sat on her lap. At first I thought, "hey, I might enjoy this ride," but um, not really. The one on top kept coughing up loogis and blowing snot onto the floor beneath her (I lost count at ten loogis/snotwads). I kept thinking, wtf is your problem woman? Bring a freaking tissue or something, or open the freaking window (which was already half-open anyways) since you're in the window seat! I will never understand women.

3:28AM

Sunday, June 10, 2007 (5 comments)

I'm visiting my hometown (Wuhan) over the weekend, so I took a train. Apparently it's a pretty high-volume route, so there were four waiting halls, each of which were about four times the size of your usual airport gate waiting area. I don't know how they get that many passengers onto a train... I guess China is just amazing.

Speaking of crowded places, I take the bus and subway to and from work every day, during rush hour, so I really know what "crowded" means now. It means standing in a sea of people, not worrying about the driver hitting the gas or brake suddenly, because it's physically impossible for you to fall anywhere. It also means I've grinded my crotch against the asses of a million old men, and vice versa. I haven't yet figured out how this works yet, but somehow all the hot girls manage to elude me.

Speaking of grinding old man ass, one day I was just walking my usual route when these two 50-year-old guys on motorcycles came up to me and asked if I need a ride. No thanks man, I don't really feel like spreading my legs around your butt, grabbing onto your beer belly, and sitting there for 45 minutes as you blow cigarette smoke in my face while suddenly accelerating and braking and causing excessive intimacy.

Ok, no more old men. Hot girls. Ok so I was walking to the bus stop to transfer to the subway to get to the train station (you'd think it's easier to drive... until you've actually been to China), and two cute girls came up to me. They were way above average here, but they looked 16 or 17, and since I'm not interested in underaged girls I just ignored them and kept walking.

...anyways... I forgot what exactly they said when they approached me, but the idea was (in a flirtatious way), "Hey, we're kind of hungry... will you buy us a little something to eat?" Are Chinese people really this cheap?? And by the way, I hate girls who use their looks like that. I wish I had a semiautomatic ugly stick to use on girls like them.

Digression. A similar thing happened two years ago in Hangzhou. A 25ish couple came up to me and asked for a little money to buy a baozi or something. I was young and naive, so I didn't immediately turn away as I should have. They saw my weakness and took advantage of it. Eventually I ended up giving them a little money, probably around $0.50, to get them to go away. They didn't even look poor. They were dressed kind of like me on my good days, except more Chinese. How much money can you get by doing that every day?

Back to the two girls two days ago. So this by time I had already learned my lesson, and kept my baozi money to myself. I just said I need to catch a train and walked off. Unfortunately I had been on the toilet just before this incident, so I was pretty empty. I feel like it would have been funny in a sadistic way to flirt back and say, ok take my wallet out of my back pocket, and BAM nail them in the face with a nice smelly (juicy?) one.

One can dream.

When I started writing this, I was trying to write about the lady who sat across from me in the waiting area at the train station. Guess I got pretty sidetracked. Anyways, the first thing I noticed about her was her bag of sunflower seeds. Same brand that I always eat, but of course that's nothing new because every real Chinese person loves MSG seeds.

The thing that really kicked me, though, was the sight of a hollowed-out 4/5 watermelon (not half-watermelon!) filled with sunflower seed shells. I even managed to get a crappy picture of it with my phone's camera (I'm a creep-master) but it only contains like 5 useful pixels or I'd have posted it. This really had me awed for a while. I couldn't believe it -- it reminded me of my own habits, except a million times more awesome:

  1. The watermelon is not half a watermelon, as I always eat it, but is more like 4/5 of one. This requires 1337ness to scoop out of.
  2. She's using watermelon to freaking hold MSG sunflower seed shells!!!
  3. The plastic spoon partially buried by the pile of shells was probably stolen from McDonald's in good Asian fashion.

Later, I found out that the spoon wasn't actually stolen from McDonald's, thus diminishing her ownageness by maybe 1%. I went to buy a bottle of water before boarding, and found that they had little watermelons for sale. They come with a plastic spoon and knife in a little plastic-wrapped package with a hard bottom container, kind of like the containers that Kroger and Publix sell meat in. By the way, that melon had the skin of an apple -- the plastic knife cut it easily.

(Yes, I brought a bag of sunflower seeds.)

I decided to ride 软卧 (the nicer beds) this trip, motivated almost entirely by the nicer bathrooms. Yes, cheap me is willing to pay double the price for the privilege of having toilets that aren't filled and piling up with steaming piles of shit (this has happened often when I rode 硬卧). So in each of these little room thingies, there are four beds (two bunks). I was the first one there, so I sat on the bed and started playing around with stuff. Can you believe there are TVs for each passenger? And not only that, but they're LCDs. Trains never used to be this nice!

Ten minutes after I arrived, a woman came here. She looked at the sign on the door, looked at me, looked at her bed across from mine. This repeated about five times. Eventually she sat down and she asked where I was going, and we agreed that we were indeed going in the same direction. Then it made sense. She told me she thought the rooms were assigned by sex, so I guess when she saw me here she was really confused.

Every time I encounter a stupid Chinese person, I get this massive ego boost. Like, "I, a foreigner who can barely speak Chinese, know something about this country that you, a real Chinese person, don't know!" Yeah um, when you buy your train ticket, they don't ask you for your name, sex... or any information. You just tell them where you're going and what class, and they tell you how much money. Not sure how they would separate anybody based on anything...

Speaking of huge ego boost, a few people have asked me for directions in Shanghai, and I was able to answer two of them! I am amazing. Well, then again, I don't really know if I actually pointed them in the right direction.

1:00PM

Tuesday, June 5, 2007 (3 comments)

I have a few links that cracked me up pretty badly. If you've talked to me online a lot in the past few days then you probably already saw at least some of these.

First, the funniest one, the comic strip about a Linux nerd having sex. Please don't get scared away because I said "Linux." I promise you, the only way you won't find this funny is if you happen to be a huge nerd like me but lack my masochistic tendencies.

The next one is a game theory analysis of the toilet seat and the classic argument over whether it should always be put down after use. This article is probably too long for most of you to want to read, so I'll summarize the conclusion. (Aren't I sneaky? Look how skillfully I implied that I have more than two readers.)

Basically, it says that although there are two Nash equilibria (meaning neither player can change strategies to improve the welfare of both... or something like that...), where the couple always leaves the seat down or always leaves the seat in its last-used position, only the toilet seat down equilibrium is trembling-hand perfect. I don't know what that term means, but I don't like it, because it means that given the dynamics of the toilet seat and women inflicting negative utility on men by yelling at them for leaving the toilet seat up, always leaving it down is the only viable solution.

The last one is a funny, semi-related Slashdot comment which I will quote here:

Why the hell has it been decreed that because men CAN pee standing up, they must?

Let me explain to you why it is men can pee standing up.

On the Eighth Day, God came to Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and said "I've finished creating the world, and I've got a couple of things left over which I want you to have between you. Let's see... first thing I can offer you is the ability to pee standing up".

"Oh, yes, can I have that please, God?" said Adam, "That would be so cool - I could be out hunting, fishing or whatever and just pee wherever I am."

Eve smiled sweetly and said if peeing standing up is so important to Adam, let him have it.

God said "Okay. Adam, you shall be able to pee standing up. Now, what else was it I had in the bag.... oh yes. Multiple orgasms".

And, of course, the inevitable reply...

Personally I think we (men) have the better deal. We can pee standing up, and if we are quick enough on the draw we can guarantee that we have more orgasms over our lifetime that our women :-)

Ok, now onto my life in Shanghai.

Over the past two weeks, I've slaughtered so many mosquitoes I've stopped counting them by individual ones. I feel like this war is hopeless. Whenever I kill a little peon mosquito, I'm just delaying mosquito bites until they respawn and come back to me. And the problem is, I can't camp their spawn point because there aren't 5 gazillion of me.

Never to be deterred, I keep on killing anyways. The great thing about mosquitoes is that if you hit one, you're basically guaranteed a headshot. I've even found my weapon of choice now: one of those Chinese bootleg DVD sleeves. It works great. It's flexible enough that you can destroy mosquitoes on weird-shaped surfaces, and flat enough to easily flatten them on walls and tabletops. Small enough to whip quickly, but large enough to nail a mosquito after it wakes you up at 3:30 AM, when your eyes are fogged up and you're somewhat disoriented from not being fully awake.

It's unfortunate that the best kills only happen when they are fat and bloody (i.e. after I have been bitten). But I guess the somewhat sick pleasure of seeing something like this makes up for an itch or two:

Very Dead Mosquito

I seriously hate mosquitoes so damn much. Last night, I killed three mosquitoes before I went to bed, thinking I killed all the ones in my room. Then I closed the door and went to bed. Two hours later, I itched myself awake, turned on the lights, and killed a fat, bloody mosquito. Two hours later, same thing happened with another mosquito. Four hours later, I woke up yet again but somehow that mosquito managed to get away before I could kill it. That mosquito gets to die another day (today) because by that time I had to get up and shower anyways.

I don't even know where all these things keep coming from. I live on the 11th floor, and usually very few mosquitoes go up that high. And I always keep the doors and windows shut. Wtf?

One last thing. I've been meaning to post this for a while, but I kept forgetting until I saw the comments from the last post. Last week, an acquaintance of mine, who wishes to remain anonymous, wrote the following to me over AIM:

Anonymous: whats a goatse

By the way, if you still don't know what the infamous goatse is by now, here's a link.

(Haha, don't be scared. It's just a link to Wikipedia. You can Google the real thing if you'd like, but I don't recommend it...)

5:33AM

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