Zhanga: December 2006

Entries have their own pages now. Click the date to see the entry by itself with its comments.

Friday, December 29, 2006 (1 comment)

Since that one fateful night almost a decade and a half ago, when I stowed away on a cargo vessel containing toys, cheap electronics, and soy sauce to get to this country, I haven't ever spent more than maybe one day at a time on a ship. The last four days raped my semicircular canals. I'm currently sitting at my dinner table eating dumplings. I still feel like I'm bouncing up and down and rocking back and forth.

Ok, let me give you a few of the highlights of the cruise:

First of all, our room. Five people (parents, sister, me, Ronjon) in a room twice the size of my minivan. Ronjon probably enjoyed that more than was appropriate. He also farted a lot, but that is an unrelated thought and Fleenor would yell at me because paragraphs should consist of related thoughts. I hope Fleenor finds a large black boyfriend. I think it would be funny if he showed up to class one day in a wheelchair. Ok, I am seriously digressing.

In the Bahamas, the drinking age is 18, or at least that's what we were told. Not that the shopkeeper cared. Anyways, Ronjon bought three bottles of liquor, which seemed much cheaper than they are back home (Mr. Boston was like $6-7). As we were going through security to board the ship again, he had two bottles in his bag and one in his hand. Some anal Indian guy made Ronjon take the bottle back off the ship and return it to the shop, which clearly wasn't going to happen because the shop was 15 miles away and on a different island.

So Ronjon went outside and hid the bottle in a bush. Meanwhile, I took his bag back to the room, and I went to change and get my bag ('n shit*, but you didn't need to know that).

Back outside, we found the bottle in the bush, put it into my bag, and waited for someone older to walk by so they could bring the bottle in for us. One couple was going to do it for us, but as I was beginning to unzip my bag, the woman noticed that security was staring straight at us. Oh well.

Plan B was, as always, a stupid plan. We waited for a large group of tourists (also returning to the ship) to come by. I walked between two Chinese-looking families and casually brought my bag through. Actually, in retrospect, successfully smuggling the liquor onto the ship probably had very little to do with being in the middle of ten Asians. The guy behind the x-ray machine hates his job. I (accidentally) brought a knife through there twice as well, and alarms didn't go off.

Although not strictly falling into the definition, this reminds me of security theater. Off on another tangent: if you've never thought about security theater before, consider how effective banning all liquids/gels/makeup/etc. on flights really is. A lot of post-9/11 terrorism scare countermeasures are worse than useless.

*There was a really bad comedian who made fun of Southerners during part of his show. Apparently, Southerners end everything they say with "'n shit." The only funny part of his show was when he was making fun of NASCAR. Apparently, he did something to piss off Jeff Gordon, who fucking started chasing him, but he made a fucking right turn and fucking lost Jeff. (Since sags read this, I feel obligated to explain that NASCAR is stupid because it is one massive 500-mile left turn.)

I'm done eating dumplings now. My house is still bobbing around. Anyone know where I can get an anchor for this house?

12:23AM

Saturday, December 23, 2006 (2 comments)

I know you've enjoyed reading my high-school-esque number of posts for the last three weeks, but I'm afraid it's going to have to end today. I'm going on a cruise and I'll be back Thursday or Friday. Hopefully by the time I get back Bush will have been impeached.

7:44PM

Friday, December 22, 2006 (2 comments)

Another great spam subject line: "Unzip the entry way, slip inside, and you really do enter another world."

Seriously, the next time Waffle House gives me diarrhea or other problems in the toilet I am going to give them a jar of their own making. I wish retarded people didn't work there, and I mean that both in the politically incorrect way and in the generally offensive way.

By the way, I have to correct myself: "Currently the only person I know who hasn't done so is my sister and KT Chou, and that'll probably change by tomorrow." I still hate everyone though, including KT, because she wanted to make fun of me and it's the thought that counts.

2:23AM

Thursday, December 21, 2006 (7 comments)

So two interesting things have happened lately:

  1. I went to the dentist and he told me my teeth show signs that I have anorexia or bulimia.
  2. My mom now makes fun of me for Maylene's age. Currently the only person I know who hasn't done so is my sister, and that'll probably change by tomorrow. I hate everyone.

1:25AM

Wednesday, December 20, 2006 (4 comments)

I went bowling for three hours on Monday. My arm is now in a constant state of pain because spinning the ball requires lifting up on the side of the ball, which repeatedly uses my right arm. Certain mundane tasks are very difficult without a functioning right forearm and bicep. In no particular order:

Monday I ate Waffle House for brunch. Tuesday I ate Waffle House at 3 AM and for lunch. Now I have a fever and am dying. Oops.

Ronjon told a funny joke yesterday:

Q: How long does it take an Indian to crap?
A: 9 months.

(Disclaimer: joke slightly edited.)

4:19AM

Sunday, December 17, 2006 (1 comment)

Remember in summer school when we had to do the fire hydrant?

Tiffany's neighbor's dog did the fire hydrant to me today. Stupid dog.

11:10PM

Saturday, December 16, 2006 (0 comments)

I forgot one from the list in the last post: jailbait. I didn't actually know what this was, but Urban Dictionary always does a good job. Why does nobody believe me when I say she's not underage??

I remember in high school when course material was easy enough that I could actually understand what was going on. Now, I feel that the only way to do well in a class is to resort to straight memorization. Like in econ, I just sat down and memorized formulas, theories, etc. without really understanding what's going on.

I think I understood parts of linear algebra... but it's so abstract that I'm not even sure if I really understood anything or if I'm just delusional. And I thought calculus was abstract! Multivariable calculus is to linear algebra as glazed donut is to hyperdimensional toroid in n-dimensional space. (I don't actually know whether those are real words.)

Who wants to go bowling with me on Monday?

3:06PM

Friday, December 15, 2006 (3 comments)

I hate all my friends. Whenever you're not making fun of me for listening to great music like Britney Spears, then you're making fun of me for how short I am, how Asian I am, how I am a cradle robber/cherry popper/other pedophile antieuphemisms, or (Ronjon) how squinty my eyes are and how much I smell like soy sauce. I hope you all end up in hell with Ms. Bryan and are doomed to spending eternity within her fat rolls.

Where was I again?

Oh yeah, the math exam where I was listening to music. The professor listened to it as the singer was going, "I want to be forgiven," which made me laugh because my roommate was sitting directly in front of me, and of all the great music I listen to, I think that's the single line he hates the most. In fact, I almost feel like singing that out loud now since he's gone.

And another thing. I saw on the news yesterday that DNA evidence from the lacrosse case didn't match anybody on the team. I really hate that woman. If I were to believe in hell, then there's somebody who I think definitely deserves to be there. At least she got the money she was after, that whore.

2:40PM

Thursday, December 14, 2006 (3 comments)

Yesterday morning I woke up at 6:10 to study for my 9 AM final. So I stumbled out of bed and into the hallway with boxers and a tshirt, and headed for the shower.

As I exited my room, I vaguely made out* some poor, unsuspecting couple making out down the hall in the other direction.

Haha. Suckers. I totally killed their mood.

* This reminds me of a footnote from the linear algebra textbook:

6One of the authors apologizes for the atrocious pun; the other didn't even notice.

(Shifrin & Adams, p. 266)

Linear algebra wasn't too bad, but it wasn't good either. So let's talk about econ, which was total ownage. After the exam, I typed my answers into my calculator so I could check against the answer key later.

The test was out of 115 points, and I calculated how many points I need in order to get an A+ in the class. As Murphy's Law dictates, I need a 115.9 on the final to get an A+. What kind of crap is that? As Murphy's Law further dictates, life will spite me whenever possible. So I looked at the key and I got everything right. Yes, I'm bragging. (Too bad it's the only exam I get to brag about.)

By the way, I find it really lame that calculators are allowed in econ where you get to do amazing calculations. Like systems of equations: { P = MR = 20 - Q, MC = 2Q, MC = MR }. Ok, maybe that's a bit oversimplified, but it's not that hard to calculate. On the other hand, in linear algebra... ugh. Let's find a orthonormal basis for the columns of a 4x4 matrix, do a QR decomposition on it, then find its inverse. And end up with 16 numbers that all kind of look like 773/14613. All by paper/pencil. I hate linear algebra.

Oh yeah, I was listening to my iPod during the final, and the professor apparently hates me so much he actually came up to me and asked to listen to what I was listening to. I guess he thought I was listening to a looped recording of all the theorems. Either that or he just admires my amazing taste in music.

2:32AM

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 (2 comments)

Dear loyal Zhanga readers,

I did pretty well on that Chinese test. And a few hours ago I raped my econ exam so badly that it bled, cried, and ran home to mommy. Actually, I shouldn't be counting my eggs before they're hatched, and should probably wait until morning, when the answers come out. Whatever.

Tomorrow, finals will get their revenge on me. Linear algebra is going to put me into so much pain that I won't be able to crap for three days. I can't wait.

There's something I don't get. How come everyone I've talked to says linear algebra is really easy? People at this school (though most of them did take an easier linear algebra course), people at other schools, my dad, etc... the list goes on. It seems like Hanif is the only one who also thinks it's hard. Is our professor that deadly, or are we just dumb?

I feel like I say this a lot now, but... I really miss the days when I was good at math. Remember when I used to be better at math than some people? Or when I understood things well enough to explain them to people (not that I was ever successful)? What a concept.

12:52AM

Monday, December 11, 2006 (3 comments)

My Chinese final is at 10 AM, which is in a little over an hour. Why am I writing this? Am I just that good at Chinese? No. I am actually here to complain, which if you haven't noticed is always why I am here.

So... I have three finals in three days, beginning today. Chinese is a low priority compared to the other two (econ & math), so I decided I'd study for a few hours the morning of the exam. I got up at 7 (!) this morning to study.

Last Wednesday, the teacher handed out a study sheet with an outline of everything we need to know. I skipped class that morning because I stayed up late Tuesday night (programming maybe?). Along with two other slackers who also skipped, I got the sheet from her Thursday. I hadn't looked at it until today since there's only three pages of stuff and I should be able to easily go through that in half an hour.

Well, surprise surprise, I got screwed. I started going through it and thought, wow, we've learned maybe 10% of what's on this sheet. Htf (h = how) does she expect us to learn this in the two days before the final? As a class we had never seen probably half the words on the sheet. I had never encountered maybe 5% of the words in any form at any time and they were just completely new. I don't even have a proper Chinese dictionary to look up radicals and stroke counts in, which is a problem since I haven't yet learned a good way to produce pinyin out of words I hadn't seen before.

I put my fob powers to use, and osmosisized most of the sheet in about an hour. (By fob powers, I actually mean dimsum, which IMHO is completely amazing. I pray to its Maker every night.) Then I thought, well, since we covered only a tiny fraction of that during class, it probably won't make up much of the test so I'll go over the 课文s (texts) that we had.

A fourth of the way through them, a horrible thought struck me. So I looked at the top of my review sheet, and lo and behold, it says "Fall 2006, CHN 125." That's bad, since I'm in Chinese 35. I'm pretty sure everybody else got the right copy of the outline... which makes me... screwed, since I'm fairly certain it's a curved class.

8:49AM

Saturday, December 9, 2006 (0 comments)

Ok, so once upon a time, (end of 2003), I blessed this site with magical commenting powers. A year, maybe a year and a half later, I started getting spam comments from bots peddling Viagra and online poker and such. I started getting maybe 5 of these a day, so eventually I had to write a spam filter for the comments. This randomly stopped two months ago, and I thought, wow I can stop checking to see if crap is making it past my filter now!

To use an overused cliché, that was the calm before the storm. A few days ago, I started getting massive amounts of spam. I've gotten 3000 of them in the past 4 or 5 days. 500 of them made it past my filter. Manually deleting those was really fun.

I read some news on Digg yesterday, then a couple people sent me links to it. Apparently, condoms are too big for Indian men.

Speaking of penises, a few days ago I'm walking down the hall and my RA just randomly asks me to show her what an erection in pants looks like. Then the next guy comes walking down the hall and she asks him too. I think she wanted to know if it really is like "pitching a tent." (Catherine, if you're reading this... uhh.. I didn't write this.)

5:52PM

Friday, December 8, 2006 (1 comment)

I just finished filling out the course evaluation form for compsci. This guy is so sneaky. He put out at least 5 boxes of brownies, 50 bags of M&M's, and a large bowl of random assorted candy. There's only 20 people in this class.

Yesterday was the last day of bowling. At the end of the period, I decided it'd be fun to try to spin the ball. Spinning the ball is, in fact, really, really fun. But now I have no more chances to bowl to practice it =(

4 posts in 7 days!

3:16PM

Tuesday, December 5, 2006 (4 comments)

Today was the last day of bowling. So we have to get 120 to pass, right? After 27 games, I had a total of 3247 pins. That's 7 pins over 120, which gives me an average of 120.2.

Today we bowled our last 3 games, and I kind of cheated. The pinsetter didn't always work right, so sometimes it'd leave off a corner pin. Once, it somehow left off all ten pins, so I just tossed the ball down the empty lane and it counted as a strike. Then the pin-monkey (the guys who run down there to fix things) went to do something, and that gave me another strike for no reason. Anyways, I think my final average is like 122. I passed!

5:17PM

Monday, December 4, 2006 (1 comment)

Today has been one of the best days ever. I met Kumar! If you are Ronjon, you should be jealous.

Kal Penn & me

By the way, I asked him what his favorite line in the movie was. At first he said he didn't have one, and then he said, "Shotgun anus!"

I hope reading this update to my life was a worthwhile waste of your time. Thank you.

6:54PM

Saturday, December 2, 2006 (2 comments)

So... today I was listening to God Is a Girl by Groove Coverage (it's not a good song...) and for some reason Hanif felt like singing it:

"God is a girl, wherever you are,
Do you believe it, can you receive it..."

"Is that what they're saying? Can you receive it? Baby, I can receive it!"

Then he realized what he said. So was that a Freudian slip revealing his true inner desire to be pounded, and I mean that in the worst possible way?

I'm rooming with this guy?

In the interest of full disclosure, I guess I should mention this happened at 3 AM. But still... uhhhhh. I bet somebody is going to say this gayness is a result of the transformation caused by living with me, I just know it.

3:04AM

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