Bill's Soffes

WARNING!! If you don't like seeing scantily clad men, don't read any more.

I'm just kidding. You have to admit that I got your attention, right?

The story behind it is simple. Tiffany does not like random freshmen who talk about her butt for six hours a day. This has been experimentally verified by Bill.

Also, Tiffany does not like seeing this in chatrooms with her in it:

[Sunday, September 12, 2004]
This refers to his "dream bout asses," a "collage" or "picture slide."
[21:24:15] Bill: i had the dream a few nights back
[21:24:17] David: oh
[21:24:32] David: how many times did tiffany's ass show up?
[21:24:38] Tiffany: NONE
[21:24:41] Bill: let s
[21:24:43] Bill: *see
[21:24:47] Bill: 2,
[21:24:49] Bill: 4,
[21:24:51] Bill: 8,
[21:24:54] Bill: 16,
[21:25:00] Bill: bout 32 times

By the way, the first mentioning of Tiffany's butt was in reference to the pictures that were on her Xanga. Bill eventually said this:

Bill: u kno the pics on ur xanga
Bill: u should make that into a collage
Bill: and e-mail every guy a copy
Bill: i'd put that collage on my wall...it makes me think certain things that i shouldnt tell u...

Apparently Bill has a fascination for girls' (mostly Tiffany's, though) rear ends. Either Tiffany or I (I forgot which) decided that Bill would probably enjoy looking at a picture of my butt as well. So Tiffany created "Angie," my ex-girlfriend who, of course, does not exist. But Angie has one fine ass, or so Bill is told.

The plan was simple:

1. Send him pictures of Angie's butt. Of course, Angie is me and Angie's butt is my butt, but he doesn't have to know that.
2. Check out his reaction when he finds out that I am Angie and that he has been drooling over some guy's butt.

So here we go.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

I know everyone is going to be too lazy to read the whole thing, though I assure you that it is filled with pure fun. So here's the plot summary for the first chunk of AIM conversation:

1. I steer the topic towards Angie's butt.
2. I send him two links to Angie's butt (my butt), one in pink soffes and one in a pretty long skirt.
3. He complains that the pictures suck and that he expected more skin.
4. I told him I wouldn't send him those, hinting that I had more (which I didn't).
5. He says that my ass is pretty nice.
6. He begs and begs for one more picture.
7. He asks where Angie goes to school.

The "hard to resist" refers to slapping Tiffany's butt.
[17:39:29] Bill: but yea
[17:39:33] Bill: hard to resist
[17:39:36] Bill: but the good thing is
[17:39:42] Bill: due to my short attention span
[17:39:50] Bill: i forget about it in lyk 3 seconds
[17:39:57] Bill: but due to my good memory
[17:40:10] Bill: i remember that i wanna slap it everytime i see her ass
[17:40:19] David: lol
[17:40:41] David: well since we're talking about asses
[17:40:47] David: wanna see that pic tiffany was talking about?
[17:40:48] David: or angie
[17:40:50] David: of*
[17:40:54] Bill: um...
[17:40:55] Bill: sure
[17:41:02] David: http://rhetoric.sytes.net/pics/soffe.jpg
[17:41:21] David: there's another one too, but its not as.. good
[17:41:33] David: http://rhetoric.sytes.net/pics/skirt.jpg
[17:41:43] Bill: dude
[17:41:49] Bill: whose site is it
[17:41:56] David: its a picture hosting site
[...]
[17:42:36] Bill: i am so dissapointed in u
[17:42:40] David: why?
[17:42:46] Bill: the pics suck
[17:42:49] David: lol
[17:43:11] Bill: the skirt one is just horrible
[17:43:15] David: haha
[17:43:17] Bill: and the soffe one is a little better
[17:43:20] Bill: but still bad
[17:43:30] Bill: i expected more from u
[17:43:35] David: darn
[17:43:42] David: what were you expecting?
[17:43:45] David: lol
[17:43:56] Bill: i was expecting a little more skin for one
[17:44:16] David: that wasn't enough?
[17:44:19] David: what else? lol
[17:45:22] Bill: i was expecting more in the lines of her panties
[17:45:27] Bill: or maybe a thong
[17:45:38] David: oh come on, i wouldn't send you those
[17:45:46] Bill: so u do have them?!?
[17:45:50] David: i might
[17:45:55] Bill: dude
[17:45:57] Bill: one pic
[17:46:00] Bill: all i need
[17:46:06] David: hmm
[17:46:13] David: so you do like them
[17:46:13] David: lol
[17:46:28] Bill: wat strait guy doesn't wanna see a nice ass in thongs
[17:46:39] David: you just said the "nice ass" is "horrible"
[17:46:44] David: i don't get it
[17:46:49] Bill: i said the pic was horrible
[17:46:52] Bill: though i must say
[17:46:56] Bill: the ass was pretty nice
[17:46:58] David: lol
[17:47:06] David: well, maybe i'll send you a better pic later
[17:47:12] David: not right now
[17:47:28] David: i gotta go piss... lol i'll be back in like 2 minutes
[17:47:31] Bill: oh come one
[17:47:32] David: i need a drink too
[17:47:33] David: brb
[17:47:34] Bill: *on
[17:49:05] David: ok, back
[17:50:27] Bill: aite
[17:50:30] Bill: so dude
[17:50:33] Bill: where the pics
[17:50:37] David: lol you really want it that badly?
[17:50:38] Bill: or one pic for now
[17:50:47] Bill: after seeing the crappy one
[17:50:51] Bill: i gotta see a better one
[17:50:56] Bill: to make me feel better
[17:50:58] David: can't you just get some porn to get off to?
[17:51:03] David: she was my girlfriend, you know
[17:51:03] David: lol
[17:51:08] Bill: exactly
[17:51:18] Bill: that means she from around here
[17:51:30] Bill: so she wasn't paid to wear a thong
[17:51:34] Bill: or maybe she was
[17:51:36] Bill: but still
[17:51:41] Bill: porn is good
[17:51:43] David: what are you calling her, a whore?
[17:51:48] Bill: but its professional
[17:51:50] David: i didn't pay her
[17:51:53] Bill: aite
[17:52:01] David: i never said i have a picture in a thong anyways
[17:52:02] David: lol
[17:52:04] David: i said maybe
[17:52:10] Bill: oh come on
[17:53:25] Bill: dude
[17:53:29] Bill: i just want one pic
[17:53:33] Bill: to make me feel better
[17:53:36] Bill: and for me to kno
[17:53:46] Bill: that david has better taste in a good pic
[17:53:48] David: feel better = 5 minutes of fun?
[17:54:04] Bill: huh?
[17:54:06] David: lol
[17:54:14] David: you were supposed to take the hint
[17:54:24] David: what exactly do you mean by "feel better"?
[17:54:31] Bill: wat do u think i mean
[17:54:40] David: uh, jacking off
[17:54:49] Bill: whoa man
[17:54:55] Bill: thats not wat i meant
[17:54:57] David: lol
[17:55:00] David: so what did you mean?
[17:55:05] Bill: but if the pic is good enough
[17:55:10] David: ok, let's not go there
[17:55:22] Bill: then that may happen unintentionally
[17:55:33] Bill: but i mean feel better
[17:55:51] Bill: lyk have a better feeling
[17:56:35] David: "have a better feeling" is a very clear and concise way of expressing "feel better"
[...]
[17:58:51] David: just go kazaa some porn
[17:58:53] David: you'll feel better
[17:58:56] David: "feel better"
[17:58:57] David: lol
[17:59:09] Bill: i bet u don't have any good pics
[17:59:56] David: haha
[17:59:59] David: i don't have any more pics at all
[18:00:01] David: that's all
[18:00:02] David: lol
[18:00:13] Bill: i figured it was lyk that
[18:00:15] David: i told you, i don't keep a large collection of butt pics
[18:00:24] Bill: u so easily showed me the first 2
[18:00:31] Bill: but wouldn't give me another one
[18:00:44] Bill: no matter how hard i asked
[18:00:59] David: well, don't be too sure about anything
[18:01:08] Bill: oh
[18:01:12] Bill: so u do have some more
[18:01:19] David: dunno
[18:01:25] Bill: dude
[18:01:30] Bill: i just want a strait
[18:01:32] Bill: answer
[18:01:44] David: its more fun to keep you guessing
[18:01:45] Bill: do u have any more ass pics
[18:01:52] David: sure, i can go on google and google some
[18:02:10] Bill: is angie from here?
[18:02:15] David: no...
[18:02:18] David: oh wait
[18:02:24] David: "here" = this region?
[18:02:25] David: or google
[18:02:25] David: lol
[18:02:31] David: she lives around here, yes
[18:02:37] Bill: in east cobb?
[18:02:48] David: yeah
[18:02:58] Bill: wat school does she goto
[18:03:15] David: westminster
[18:03:24] Bill: private school?
[18:03:31] David: yeah
[18:03:54] Bill: is that a high school
[18:04:03] Bill: or lyk a K-12 school

About five hours later, Tiffany has her fun:

Tiffany: on a scale of 1-10
Tiffany: wat would u rate the ass?
Bill: i rate the pics a 2
Bill: but the ass a 11

(Note: My own logs provide timestamps. Anything Tiffany pasted or sent to me did not come with timestamps, so that is why some IM's on this page have no timestamps.)

Monday, September 13, 2004

The plan was originally to make the revelation to Bill on Monday. Both of us looked forward to this day. Tiffany bought soffes that look like the ones I wore in one of the pictures. She decorated them a little:

Top: "What does this remind you of?" The heart of beads in the upper right says "Angie" (in quotes). The bottom has those white beads with letters on them, spelling out "THE PIC IS A 2" on the left and "BUT THE ASS IS A 11" on the right. This refers to what he said approximately one screen above.

Bottom: "YOU GOT GAY'D!!!"

Unfortunately, Tiffany forgot to bring this decorated piece of apparel and so we weren't able to do it on Monday =(

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Whenever he talks to me, it's always about ass. So I'd often talk about mine to make him say funny things like this:

[21:43:44] Bill: dude
[21:43:54] Bill: u think way 2 highly of ur own ass man

That was ironic... especially given what's below. Tiffany kept wanting him to say that my ass > her ass just so she could harass me about it, and I tried to do the reverse. Somehow, I failed.

[21:45:26] David: on a scale 1-10
[21:45:30] David: how would you rate their asses?
[21:45:55] Bill: i'd give them each a 12 i'd say
[21:46:07] David: you don't think either one is any better than the other?
[21:46:26] Bill: can't really say one is better than the other

Well, the rating he told me (12) was higher than the one he told Tiffany (11), but that doesn't really matter. Now, before we continue, who would create a chatroom with a girl for the sole purpose of comparing her butt with another girl's butt? Oh well, what did you expect... so this is a chatroom with Tiffany in it:

[22:01:49] Bill: angie's mite be better
[22:01:57] Bill: i'd give that a 9.3
[22:02:04] David: what happened to 12?
[22:02:05] Bill: and tiffany's a 9/25
[22:02:10] Bill: *9.25
[22:02:15] Bill: that was just exaggerating
[22:02:18] David: oh
[22:02:22] Bill: now i'm talking realisticly
[22:02:25] Bill: within the boundaries
[22:02:43] David: will you rate my ass too?
[22:02:49] Bill: dude
[22:02:49] Bill: no

And finally, this is good too (Tiffany's talking about me):

Tiffany: but ud thnk his ass was relaly nice if u saw it..
Tiffany: nicer than angie's
Bill: i don't wanna see a guy's ass
Bill: and then compare it to a girls
Tiffany: hahah
Tiffany: datd make u gay if u did
Bill: yea

By now, I really couldn't wait to see his reaction to the truth. Thursday, during Academic Bowl, was the next time Tiffany and I would see him. We set that as the date to tell him.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

Academic Bowl was rained out. How lame is that? When is the last time an indoor, buzzer-pushing nerd club meeting was canceled due to bad weather?? All Cobb County after school programs were canceled due to excessive rain and wind. Pansies! Why don't you go hug some more of your stupid trees that got blown over?

On Wednesday night, I was actually hoping that school would not be canceled because I just couldn't wait to own Bill some more. And so we have another manifestation of "God hates David." Not only did He punish me by having regular classes, but also by canceling the only part of the day I looked forward to (the after-school part).

So Bill didn't get to find out on Thursday, either. How unfortunate.

Friday, September 17, 2004

This is golden (she's talking about me again):

Tiffany: if u saw his ass
Tiffany: but u didnt know it was his ass
Tiffany: u would say that its hot
Bill: assuming i can't tell its a guy's ass
Tiffany: haha do u think ud be able to tell a guys ass from a girls?
Bill: yea
Tiffany: i dont know if i could
Bill: its not hard
Bill: i really have to say
Bill: that only retarded ppl can't tell
Tiffany: so wat are the main differences between a girl's ass and a guy's ass?
Bill: guy's asses i can't really say
Bill: but girls asses
Bill: r more well rounded
Bill: and they're differently proportioned with the body

Saturday, September 18, 2004

[20:26:11] Bill: never trust someone u don't kno 2 well
[20:26:13] Bill: online
[20:26:19] Bill: cus u never kno who it really is

Try not to trust nonexistent girls too much in the future, Bill.

Tiffany bet Bill that if she sent him a butt picture, he wouldn't be able to tell the sex of its owner. She sent him "Angie's" skirt picture. She played along and pretended that it was a girl's butt. Because she "lost" the bet, she had to do one thing he said:

Bill: i kno wat i want u to do
Tiffany: wat?
Bill: i want u to skeet on someone
Tiffany: ...
Bill: since u "hate" david
Bill: u can skeet on him
Tiffany: ...
Bill: oh wait
Bill: u can't skeet can u
Tiffany: no duh
Bill: sorry bout that

What a n00b.

Monday, September 20, 2004

This was the big day. Bill would find out on this day.

He conveniently showed up at math club after his orchestra thing was finished. We all walked out to the "outdoor classroom," and Tiffany showed Bill a note.

The note informed him that he lost the bet. He initially thought that the note was just a joke, but soon realized that he was the joke.

An hour before this, she had shown me the note. Because Bill had lost the bet, he had to be her slave. There were three listed tasks, of which the first was to never call David (me) gay again. The rest were fairly decent, too. I thought to myself, "hmm, Tiffany became nice for once... I thought she was always evil."

Then I found out that she had shown me a fake note. Because Tiffany, in fact, is always evil (without exception), she had given a similar, but not identical, copy to Bill. On his copy, two of the tasks she assigned him were "Give David a daily lap dance" and "Give David a daily slap on the ass." So she managed to own both Bill and me simultaneously. I will not let this go unpunished! (No, gay action did not happen.)

After several rounds of explaining about the pictures, Bill curled up into his corner in disbelief. Soon, he begins hurling insults at me:

Bill: "David, you are so gay."
Lilly: "Well, you are gayER!"

His insults were pretty awful, too:

[18:16:29] Bill: u r such a dumbass
[18:16:34] David: why?
[18:16:38] Bill: nvm
[...]
[18:16:51] Bill: u r one
[18:16:56] Bill: thats all u need to kno
[18:16:57] Bill: for now
[...]
[18:17:23] Bill: u r a dumbass
[18:17:24] David: i'm not the one who thought a guy's ass was a girl's
[18:17:24] Bill: becaue
[18:17:36] Bill: *because ur always clueless

The last line is especially funny. If you have tried to talk to this kid, then you know that if you make any references to anything, or try to imply anything at all, he will respond with a "huh?"

However, this line is somewhat disturbing:

[18:21:43] Bill: do u jack off to guy's pics?

This better not reflect what he did with my picture! ("unintentionally," of course)

He doesn't seem bitter at all, does he? Of course he isn't! What a lie:

[18:44:18] David: don't be so bitter about the joke, ok?
[18:44:27] Bill: dude
[18:44:30] Bill: i'm not being bitter

In Bill's Defense

I apologize to Bill for being extremely misleading on this page. I will now offer his side of the story:

[Tuesday, September 21, 2004]
[17:22:58] Bill: u lyk "tried" to explain all that stuff on the sire
[17:23:00] Bill: *site
[17:23:03] David: yeah?
[17:23:05] Bill: in ur own words as well
[17:23:14] Bill: ur misleading ppl
[17:23:19] David: how am i misleading people?
[17:23:24] David: give me some concrete examples
[17:23:27] Bill: nah
[17:23:33] Bill: 2 lazy to look it up

When I read "in ur own words as well," I interpreted it as meaning "you misled people, and not only that, but you did it in your own words as well." Apparently I'm not allowed to write things in my own words:

[17:30:19] David: "as well"
[17:30:22] David: what does that mean?
[17:30:33] David: do you mean to say that i shouldn't have written it in my own words?
[17:30:40] Bill: exactly

Here is the closest I came to getting an example of how I was misleading people. Can he get any more vague and general?

[17:33:40] Bill: u want concrete examples rite?
[17:33:41] David: yes
[17:34:23] Bill: every inference on the page is an exaggeration

Something Semi-Related

Don't you feel sorry for poor Bill after all this? Well, I decided I had to give Tiffany a hard time (as if she hadn't had one already). During the carnation sales (Wednesday the 15th), I bought one for her... from Bill. The next day, she sent me a text message:

Wait till i tell u about the flower and disgusting note he sent. He is SO crossing the line

Wait till she finds out who the note is really from.

[Thursday, September 17, 2004]
[19:03:43] Tiffany: OH MY GOSH I AM GONIG TO MRUDER U
[19:03:48] Tiffany: I AM GOING TO MURDER U MURDER U MURDER U
[19:05:47] Tiffany: U SUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKkk

Whoops... =)

To wrap up, here is the text of the note, which Ronjon wrote. Not in a million years would I be able to write something as beautiful:

You smell like a bed of flowers,
My boner lasts for 14 hours.
Even though you are not a slut,
I still wanna do you up the butt.

---

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Last updated October 6, 2004.
3281 hits since October 6, 2004.

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